Whoa. What a blow. I got my first "F" since.... ever. I failed my essay. Luckily, at LSE, "essays don't count toward your grade, but are just supposed to be used as benchmarks to show you how you are progressing." Somehow, that doesn't make me feel any better. Because that only means that my progression is failing.
I am frustrated, confused, mad, and sad; I want to scream and quit and try even harder all at the same time! After speaking with my professor and getting my paper back a million things ran through my brain. First of all, "What the hell was he talking about?" I did not understand the reasons for my "F" and even after proding and many questions, the vaugness of it all remained. Secondly, "what the hell am i doing here?" and "Why did i decide to waste my time and money, just to fail?"
Bad grades are not the issue. Yes, I like to succeed and, yes, it annoys me when I do not recieve a good grade, but Failure is something completely different. I will still get my masters with bad grades. I will still walk away with a degree (albeit how honorable, I don't know) with bad grades. But to FAIL!?!? That would be more devastating to me than a bad break-up, than not going home for christmas, or getting hit by a bike in the street!
I feel so lost and confused right now. I know i can do better. And I know I should listen to the lesson of "try harder next time" or take the Michael Jordan example, made famous by athletic coaches, but it is hard to be so optimistic when you feel so down.
And I get this news just as i was about to hand in my fourth essay to this same professor. Don't think so. I am going to hold onto this one and rework it until the last second. So much for my dreams of being done with all of my first term assignments this week...
15 days, 15 days, I am home in 15 days....
Dear Subscribers
14 years ago
Oh Heather. We are all afraid of this. It's just how we're wired. I will say, it's refreshing that you can already see the forest through the trees and know the underlying issue that is your freakout at failing..that the repercussions are more personal than they pertain to your education. And I can totally relate to wigging out over it, I can't even tell you how ALIKE we are in that way. Wait it out. You'll chew on it, spit it out, pick it back up, chew on it some more then you'll be done with it and you'll be better for it. =)
ReplyDeleteoh heath. you are being rocked for sure! try to think of it as a mind stretching experience in itself. something to refine your desire for learning and strengthening your mind. you are courageous and so brilliant. i know when the emotions and bruised ego pass, you will have learned so much more than if you would have just got an A!
ReplyDeleteyou are where you are for a reason.
see you soon! xoxoxoxo